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|What Is Over Talking?||Stopping The Over Talker|
|Help For The Over Talker||Telling Them of The Problem|
What Is Over Talking?
For the most part, over talking has little to do with how much you're
saying. Rather it's more about being fair with the other person's time. A good
conversation is give and take. It involves both people talking, both
people listening and both people responding.
In a good conversation, everyone feels included. Both sides get
something out of it and both sides can freely disengage from it. That's
why good conversations can last for hours. No one leaves upset and no
one feels violated.
While over talking has nothing to do with the length of the
conversation, it almost always occurs when the conversation is one
sided, or the other person feels you care nothing about their needs or
opinions. The fact is that people value their time. And a minute will
seem like an eternity if they feel they're being talked at. No one
wants to feel they're just a prop and not really part of the conversation.
No one wants to feel the speaker has no concerns for their wants or needs.
To show you care means to show you are in touch. That you are thinking about their needs as well as your own. As a practical matter, you have to demonstrate they have the freedom to respond to what you're saying, or if they want to, completely change the subject, go to the bathroom or even get off the phone. Otherwise, anything you say is bound to be over talking.
Do You Talk Too Much?
How To Avoid Over Talking At Job Interviews
Be Clear and Concise. Be honest and succinct with your responses. Tell the truth in as positive a manner as possible, and don't discuss things or events in a negative fashion. Long answers are less effective than concise responses and tend to make interviewers suspicious. Stay on topic and avoid tangents. If you are talking more than 90 seconds without interaction with the interviewer, you may be giving them more detail than they want. If you feel you may be talking too long, just stop and ask the interviewer a question like, “Am I giving you the level of detail you're looking for?” This prompts a response and promotes an open exchange of information. Besides, if you're putting the interviewer to sleep with your long-winded answers, asking a question will wake them up.
For More See
Help For Those Who Talk Too Much and
You're Too Busy
To Talk. For example. Say “I can only talk for a few
minutes.” Or "I’m really busy now can we talk a
little later." Or let them know exactly what they're interrupting.
was just going over the numbers for next year’s budget. But if this critical,
I can give you a few minutes.”
“Do you mind if I continue
typing as I really have work to do." You may also put a sticky note on
your computer, your door or cubical that says "Project
Due/Far Behind/Can't Talk Unless Urgent." If the person engages you
anyway, refer to the sticky note/explain you have a deadline and tell them
like to hear more but we'll just have to take it up later."
Or Try the touch 'n' talk technique: If somebody comes up and talks at your desk for an hour, calm them down by touching their hand, and quietly say in a kind of whisper, `If I don't get back to work, I'm going to be here late.' That way you've said you're great, but I've got to get back to work. They won't feel insulted. It's when we say things like "Could you just shut up!" we have trouble.'
Break Contact. Now is the time to tell them you need to get coffee,
return the file, go to the bathroom, get more food at the buffet, etc. Make
sure you physically move away and distance yourself while you're talking.
Don’t let them re-engage you with something they forgot to say and certainly
don’t ask for more details. Leave.
For extreme over talkers: In one fluid motion, practice moving away from them while speaking, all without taking a breath, so they can’t get a word in edgewise.
Example: As you rise from your chair and turn away from
them, say “Well, I’ve got to return the file/go to the
bathroom/make a photocopy." Smile as you take two steps back and head
for the door. If they're still there when you return, immediately open up the
door for them to leave and say, "It was great to see you
again. We'll talk soon. Bye."
For People Who Linger In Your Office Or Cubical
When your drop-in visitors won’t leave, move over talkers toward the door by standing and walking out with them. Some people recommend uncomfortable chairs. Consider even removing your chairs.
How Can I Tell My Friend She Talks Too Loud?
Say to Her: "I'm interested in what you're saying. But I start to blank out when you talk so loud. If I need you to talk lower, is there a way I can tell you so without hurting your feelings?" Most people will say just tell them so, or that you can give them a hand signal if they need to turn down the volume. Either way, you've set the ground rules so it will be easier to tell them next time.
Your friend probably doesn’t realize she is on over-volume. Say to her in a very nice way “I’m so sorry, but you probably don’t realize your voice is carrying over loudly.” Then just smile, and continue the conversation in a volume that is acceptable. You might even prevent embarrassment that would be caused if a third party said something. (this excerpt is from Protocol & Business Etiquette.)
Try these tips to discourage over-talkers and encourage others to participate.
Also, if a participant is taking over by talking too long, too much, feel free to interrupt between thoughts, and clearly say "We need to move on, so everyone gets an opportunity to express their concerns in the time allowed."
Dealing With Difficult People (Links & Articles)
Mostly on teaching or training or doing seminars.
Also has good general tips.
Dealing With Difficult People (Links & Articles)
Over Talkers In A Group Or Training Session (See Talking it
An overly talkative person can ruin an entire meeting or training class. Use the following strategies to create an atmosphere in which everyone can participate.
Responding to the Dominator, Eager Beaver, Expert, Rambler and Complainer.
The 3D Strategy: Depersonalize, Detach, and Defuse.
Be good rather than nice. If there's a problem, your friends and family deserve to know.
Keeping silent will hurt both of you because over talking is the type of problem that only gets worse unless something is done about it. Usually, the over talker is completely oblivious to the harm he's causing. So they will unknowingly cross over your boundaries, again and again. Your anxiety will mount, and sooner or later you will punish them for it. Whether this means by avoiding them or just by smoldering inside, you will resent them, and they will feel betrayed.
Friends should be told gently that they're talking too much. For example you may say,"Look, I’ve spent too much time on the phone and I’m getting off. We’ll talk later." Then, as soon as you can, follow up with an email or explain the problem in person.
For example: “John, I like talking to you but sometimes I fear we never get off the phone. I want the freedom to say I have to go now. I also want to know my wishes will be respected. Yesterday I said I had to go three times. But for some reason you kept talking. What should I do next time?"
Or, "Sue, when we talk, I feel sometimes like I'm just a prop. Yesterday I couldn't get a word in edgewise and I felt very left out. Almost like my thoughts didn't matter to you. I know you don't feel that way, but I want to be included too. I also want to know I can end a conversation without hurting your feelings or being asked to explain why. If this happens again, what should I do?"
For Coworkers and Acquaintances
If you know someone who rambles, don't assume they know it themselves. Sadly, even if they do know, they probably don't know how to stop, or they would have already. You can help. Approach them respectfully and non-judgmentally and try to say something as close as possible to the following: "Sometimes when you talk for more than a minute or two without stopping, I feel frustrated. I need more focus." [Or, "I need to move along faster."] "Can you try to talk for only a minute or so at a time, then ask me what I want to hear about before you go on?" If you don't have their attention yet, ask them how important it is to them, and to their organization, that they be clearly understood. When you think you have their attention, discuss the one minute tool with them.