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Help For The Over Talker

Do You Talk Too Much?

 Do’s

• When Talking, Stay Alert for A Sign That Your Listener Is Losing Interest: eyes wandering more than 1/3 of the time (or the opposite, staring frozen at you), finger or toe tapping, frequently interrupting you, a body position that suggests the person is trying to get away from you, frequently saying “uh-huh” as if urging you to get on with it.
   
• After 30 To 60 Seconds, Stop Talking. Ask a question that engages the person, or ask what they think about what you’ve said. Then listen to where they are going with it and wait until they’ve expressed themselves. Do not interrupt. Then respond. You should do no more than 60 percent of the total talking.
   
• If You're Saying Something That Requires More Than A Minute, Break It Up Into Segments, and after each segment, ask something like, “What do you think of that?” or  “Am I being clear? Really?” The “really” is important because it lets the listener know that your request is not gratuitous: You really want their thoughts or comments.
   
• Show Them You're Listening. Maintain eye contact. Nod and restate key points to indicate you're tracking them. This may also lead to other interesting conversations. Ones where both people are participating.
   
• Find Someone Who’s A Good Listener And Do What They Do. And note the ways he/she shows they’re listening to you. Do likewise with others.
   
• Listen To What’s Said Behind the Words So You Can Respond Better. Aside from their factual statements, is there something else being said?  For example, from their tone, do they want to go now? Are they happy, angry or uncomfortable about something? Maybe, such as with close friends, it’s the issues behind the words that need talking about. Respond accordingly.
   
• Allow For Periods Of Silence. Count To Twenty During Conversation Gaps So The Other Person Has A Chance To Resume. It may feel awkward, but give the other person some breathing space. It also permits them to reflect on what was said or to steer the conversation elsewhere. In that way, they too can be a part of the conversation.
   
• After A Few Minutes, See If You Can Recall A Few Points Of What The Other Person Has said.  If you can’t, it may be because you are monopolizing the conversation. The better listener you become, the more you'll remember. Ask the Lord for a true desire to listen and for a real interest in what the person is saying.

• Get so lost in your own point that you ignore the signs of your listener losing interest.
   
• Try all at once to spill out whatever is on your mind-Remember the 30 second rule.
   
• Devote most of your mental energies on what you will say next (LISTEN!).
   
• Interrupt.
   
• Find excuses to stay on the phone when the other person wants to go.
   
• Demand to know why the other person must get off the phone. (They'll dread
  ever talking to you again).
   

• Look at the person who’s speaking.
• Question the speaker to clarify what’s being said.
• Repeat some of the things the speaker says.
• Pay close attention to what the speaker is saying.
• Don’t interrupt the speaker.
• Don’t change the subject until the speaker has finished his or her thoughts.
• Stop talking after a minute to see if the other person is bored, distracted or lost.

• Show Them You're Too Busy To Talk. For example. Say “I can only talk for a few minutes.” Or "I’m really busy now can we talk a little later." Or let them know exactly what they're interrupting. Example: “I was just going over the numbers for next year’s budget. But if this critical, I can give you a few minutes.” Or “Do you mind if I continue typing as I really have work to do." You may also put a sticky note on your computer, your door or cubical that says "Project Due/Far Behind/Can't Talk Unless Urgent." If the person engages you anyway, refer to the sticky note/explain you have a deadline and tell them "I'd like to hear more but we'll just have to take it up later."
  
  Or Try the touch 'n' talk technique: If somebody comes up and talks at your desk for an hour, calm them down by touching their hand, and quietly say in a kind of whisper, `If I don't get back to work, I'm going to be here late.' That way you've said you're great, but I've got to get back to work. They won't feel insulted. It's when we say things like "Could you just shut up!" we have trouble.'
   

• Break Contact. Now is the time to tell them you need to get coffee, return the file, go to the bathroom, get more food at the buffet, etc. Make sure you physically move away and distance yourself while you're talking. Don’t let them re-engage you with something they forgot to say and certainly don’t ask for more details. Leave.
  
  For extreme over talkers: In one fluid motion, practice moving away from them while speaking, all without taking a breath, so they can’t get a word in edgewise.

  • Example: As you rise from your chair and turn away from them, say “Well, I’ve got to return the file/go to the bathroom/make a photocopy." Smile as you take two steps back and head for the door. If they're still there when you return, immediately open up the door for them to leave and say, "It was great to see you again. We'll talk soon. Bye."
    
    For People Who Linger In Your Office Or Cubical
    When your drop-in visitors won’t leave, move over talkers toward the door by standing and walking out with them. Some people recommend uncomfortable chairs. Consider even removing your chairs.

  How Can I Tell My Friend She Talks Too Loud?
  Say to Her: "I'm interested in what you're saying. But I start to blank out when you talk so loud. If I need you to talk lower, is there a way I can tell you so without hurting your feelings?" Most people will say just tell them so, or that you can give them a hand signal if they need to turn down the volume. Either way, you've set the ground rules so it will be easier next time.
  
  OR

  Your friend probably doesn’t realize she is on over-volume. Say to her in a very nice way “I’m so sorry, but you probably don’t realize your voice is carrying over loudly.” Then just smile, and continue the conversation in a volume that is acceptable. You might even prevent embarrassment that would be caused if a third party said something. (this excerpt is from Protocol & Business Etiquette.)

  See Help For The Over Talker

  Back To Over Talkers

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  Teaching/Training/People In Groups

  Try these tips to discourage over-talkers and encourage others to participate.

  • Eager beaver. This person is always first, making it difficult for others to respond. “Thanks for getting the ball rolling Kim. Does anyone have anything to add to that?”
  • Expert. This person challenges your authority and argues with others. “Jim thinks our marketing plan has some major drawbacks. Does anyone have a different opinion?”
  • Rambler. You ask this person for the time, and you get the history of watch making. “Joan’s given us a good example of what an irate customer might say. Now let’s discuss the best way to handle this type of situation.”
  • Dominator. This person can intimidate the group. “Does anyone other than Jerry have a comment?”

  Also, if a participant is taking over by talking too long, too much, feel free to interrupt between thoughts, and clearly say "We need to move on, so everyone gets an opportunity to express their concerns in the time allowed."

  Dealing With Difficult People (Links & Articles)
  Mostly on teaching or training or doing seminars.
  Also has good general tips.

  Over Talkers In A Group Or Training Session (See Talking it Out-Last Paragraph)
  An overly talkative person can ruin an entire meeting or training class. Use the following strategies to create an atmosphere in which everyone can participate.

  Difficult Audiences
  Responding to the Dominator, Eager Beaver, Expert, Rambler and Complainer.
  The 3D Strategy: Depersonalize, Detach, and Defuse.

  Kind Ways To Diffuse or Manage Difficult People (See P34)

  
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  Telling Them Of The Problem
  

  Be good rather than nice. If there's a problem, your friends and family deserve to know.

  Keeping silent will hurt both of you because over talking is the type of problem that only gets worse unless something is done about it. Usually, the over talker is completely oblivious to the harm he's causing. So they will unknowingly cross over your boundaries, again and again. Your anxiety will mount, and sooner or later you will punish them for it. Whether this means by avoiding them or just by smoldering inside, you will resent them, and they will feel betrayed.

  Friends should be told gently that they're talking too much. For example you may say,"Look, I’ve spent too much time on the phone and I’m getting off.  We’ll talk later."  Then, as soon as you can, follow up with an email or explain the problem in person.

  For example: “John, I like talking to you but sometimes I fear we never get off the phone. I want the freedom to say I have to go now. I also want to know my wishes will be respected.  Yesterday I said I had to go three times. But for some reason you kept talking. What should I do next time?"

  Or, "Sue, when we talk, I feel sometimes like I'm just a prop. Yesterday I couldn't get a word in edgewise and I felt very left out. Almost like my thoughts didn't matter to you. I know you don't feel that way, but I want to be included too. I also want to know I can end a conversation without hurting your feelings or being asked to explain why. If this happens again, what should I do?"

  For Coworkers and Acquaintances

  If you know someone who rambles, don't assume they know it themselves. Sadly, even if they do know, they probably don't know how to stop, or they would have already. You can help. Approach them respectfully and non-judgmentally and try to say something as close as possible to the following: "Sometimes when you talk for more than a minute or two without stopping, I feel frustrated. I need more focus." [Or, "I need to move along faster."] "Can you try to talk for only a minute or so at a time, then ask me what I want to hear about before you go on?" If you don't have their attention yet, ask them how important it is to them, and to their organization, that they be clearly understood. When you think you have their attention, discuss the one minute tool with them.

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